People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
