Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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