I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Four minutes until I can fart!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Randomize
