He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
