Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
