He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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