I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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