I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Boobs speak an international language.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
