hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This baby is an asshole
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
