you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
