I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
