I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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