i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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