please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
