Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize