I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
