im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
