He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i've created a new STD.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
