Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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