I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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