We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
