So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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