i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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