Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i think i just lost a toe
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