Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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