Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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