I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize