Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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