my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
