I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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