I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
