at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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