I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
