Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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