we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
