drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
