I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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