Cold hands, warm shart.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
