If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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