apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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