R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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