My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How does it feel to date your dad?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize