do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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