I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
