I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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