How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
