I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize