No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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