i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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