bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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