Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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