I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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