@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
