Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sorry about my life...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize