a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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