tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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