Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize