So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
