my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
