i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
