i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize