I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
