they need to just BURY HIM!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize